Five Essentials to Building Character in Kids at Every Age

By Jeff Carlucci
SBS High School English Teacher

I want to tell you a story… It was August of 2008 and we were taking our son, Andrew, to college. He had just graduated from StoneBridge. When we arrived on campus, we put his things in the dorm, and drove over to the field house where he was going to join the soccer team for a meeting. There were not a lot of people on campus.

As we said goodbye, we hugged; we kissed; we cried. And then he walks this solemn, slow walk to the only side door of the field house, all alone, and the door closes, and he’s gone. My wife, daughter and I looked at each other, got in the minivan and we began the long drive home. 

We’re driving home and we’re crying. We’re laughing about crying. We’re thinking about things. And then I had this thought, this feeling that just gripped me: Debbie and I will never do anything more important in our lives than be parents to our two children.  

As we left Andrew at college, I was struck with the fact that for 18-plus years, God had given us a responsibility to hand the baton of Jesus Christ to Andrew, to teach him how to reflect Jesus Christ’s character, to do what we can, whenever we can to prepare him for God’s call on his life.

He was in college, and I know we were going to continue to influence him as he walked into adulthood, but it felt like it was the end.

Essential 1: Accept Your Responsibility

I tell you that story because I think the first point to understand is it’s your responsibility. It’s your responsibility to train your children to reflect the character of Jesus Christ. I’m convinced that without that understanding—that you are the one that God has trusted with your child, to train them up to follow Christ, to reflect the character of Jesus Christ—that sometimes we might miss it. 

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Mr. Carlucci and family.

We can go through life being happy and enjoying life and having pizza and going to movies and having family game nights and all of the wonderful things we get to do as a family; yet, all of a sudden, you’re watching your child walk away and the door closes behind them, and it’s like, “What happened?”

Be aware of this wonderful opportunity and responsibility that God has given you. I want to point you to Luke 6:40 that says, “students are not greater than their teacher, but the student who is fully trained will become like his teacher.”

Let’s change the words: Children are not greater than their parents, but the child who is fully trained will become like his parent. Kind of gives me a shiver to think about that level of responsibility. 

Essential 2: Develop Your Own Character

The second main point if you want to train your child to have Christian, Godly character is that you, first, must develop your character to reflect that of Christ.

How do you develop Christian character? Fundamentals! If you play basketball, you have to dribble, you have to pass, you have to shoot. If you say, “I really can’t dribble, pass or shoot, but I’m a really good basketball player,” sorry… you’re not. 

The fundamentals–the dribble, passing and shooting–of how to develop Christian character in your own life is daily time in God’s Word, daily prayer, and church attendance.

Daily time in God’s WordBack in the day, we had these little scriptures on a card in a little ceramic bread loaf. I could pull out the little ”piece of bread” and read it. Then I could put it back and say, “I did my devotions.” No, I actually didn’t. I just kind of checked a box daily that I had read a scripture.  Now, I am not saying using something like that is bad, I am just saying that it should be a supplement, not your primary diet.

How do you train character in someone else if you don’t know the standard for that character from Scripture? You must read and study God’s word to know what it is you are trying to engender in your child. So, every day, spend quality time in reading God’s word. Don’t miss a day. If you do miss a day because life happens, don’t miss two. 

Daily Prayer. It’s not enough for you to say, well, I read His word and I’m good. No, you’re not done.  We need daily communion with Jesus Christ. We must spend time alone where we pray, praise, and worship God. Daily prayer is not just for you as an individual, it’s with your family every day. Don’t miss a day. Pray every night, modeling prayer for children, going before God with praise, adoration, and requests as a family.

Regular Church Involvement. You have to go to church. Why? The Bible says that we should not neglect gathering together with others in the body of Christ.

But don’t just go to church. Get involved. Show your children the importance and the value of Christian community. Meeting together, being part of a church, is different than watching a service online. Being a part of a church makes a significant difference in you and your children. (Is Church Attendance Critical to Our Children’s Health?)

Essential 3: You Must Be Intentional

Nobody ever said, “You know, I was walking along, and I fell into righteousness. All of a sudden, I’m being righteous.” No. We fall into sin. We fall into problems. It is the same with training our kids to follow Christ.

There are three areas that I think you have an opportunity to train your child intentionally with character.

The first is responsibility. I recommend you find age-appropriate opportunities for them to prove responsible. I teach high school, so here are my suggestions by high school age:

  • They should be setting an alarm and getting up on their own. There are consequences if they don’t; let them suffer them. They will learn. 
  • They should make their own lunch. If they don’t, they’ll get hungry and then the next day they’ll fix it
  • You should have them keep their room clean to your specification. 
  • By 16, 17, 18 years old, they should be doing their own laundry. 
  • They should have consistent chores around the house. 

They may whine and complain. They’ll get over it and it will help them learn Godly character. Why do all this? Because they’re being respectful to you. They’re learning how to serve you by obeying you. And they’re developing character in themselves. 

Second, respect. First, you must model respect. If you’re not modeling it, they’re not going to do it. Your student should always speak to and refer to adults with respect all the time. I’m not saying that you have an automaton and somebody who’s perfect. We’re training them how to speak to others. 

Third, obedience. You should require immediate obedience to what you ask them to do, first-time obedience. I know sometimes that is difficult, but it’s a goal. Your child should always obey you without you having to manipulate them. 

You have to be intentional about what you do. 

Essential 4: Be Consistent

A long time ago, we were visiting a couple who were best friends of my parents. We were watching a football game and I observed that their kids were really well behaved. I remember asking the dad: why are your kids so well-behaved? What is it that you do? He told me that the key is to be consistent.

Be consistent in what you say. Be consistent in who you are. I think this is vital. Be the same person at home, at work, at athletic events, in the car, at church. Wherever you go, be the same person. Do your best to be who you are: a follower of Jesus Christ everywhere you go.

Essential 5: Trust, Patience and above all, Love

Trust God. It’s a long path and you are maybe not going to see the results you want for a while. Proverbs 3:4-5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and He will direct your paths.”

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Mr. Carlucci and his wife, Debbie.

You’re doing this unto Him, for Him with the responsibility He’s given you. He will make your paths straight. He will handle it. I love that. All I have to do is trust Him and He’s going to work it out. You may look at your child and say, there’s absolutely no way this is ever going to work, but God is the way to make it work.

Be patient with yourself. In all of these things, do it out of love. If you can establish this in love, you will, I think, enjoy it a lot more and see a lot more benefit. One of the best things in the world is when you look at your child and you see them praying, or you see them doing something incredibly Godly.

Last Words

When we enrolled our children at SBS, we knew that we would be getting a great education grounded in Biblical principles. But what we really grew to appreciate and cherish were the Godly men and women who mentored them and were able to influence our children for Christ.

This was a real clear expression of our mission at StoneBridge that states we partner with Christian families. We knew we had found a partner to walk with us as we walked the path God had given us.

Yes, it’s your responsibility to train your child to reflect Christ, but you don’t have to do it alone.  The school, your church, your family all work together.  And I think that’s one of the great things we do at StoneBridge: partner with Christian families to raise up the children to love Jesus.

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